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4. Father Hunger
 

To mark National Eating Disorder Awareness Week in February, Sheenas Place welcomed Margo Maine, author of Father Hunger, to speak at our annual Open Forum.

The following is a summary of some of the notions presented in the book, from a handout given to people attending the forum.

Daughters need their dads now more than ever. Fathers don’t have to do much to make a huge difference in their daughters’ lives. Showing up, standing by, and listening are the first steps. Here are some more suggestions.

Know what you don’t know.
Learn about your daughter’s life. Don’t believe that your experience and hers are similar; in fact, you are years and cultures apart. Respect the difference.

Consider the many impacts globalization will have on her life.
Think about the variety of skills and coping mechanisms she will need to succeed in her world. Do what you can to help her develop these.

Show interest in her activities.
Don’t just expect her to tag along with you or to like the things you like. Enter her world, by sharing her music, going places that she wants to visit, and doing things she enjoys.

Take the quiz ‘How Well Am I Doing As My Daughter’s Father’ (at end of chapter 2 in Father Hunger) to assess the gaps in your knowledge about your daughter’s life. Commit to improving your score and take it again in 2 months.

Encourage her to identify and discuss her emotions and opinions.
Let her disagree with you without withdrawing your affection. Show respect for the differences between you.

Teach her to say no and set limits.
This will prepare her for situations that might compromise or even endanger her.

Help your daughter develop values other than consumerism.
Share some of yours and create opportunities to enjoy nature, reading, the arts, sports, music, cultivation of friendships, volunteerism, or other activities.

Show respect for real women of substance.
Be aware of your attitudes towards women, their appearance, and their achievements. Point out the contributions women make in your community or family.

Watch what you say about women’s bodies.
Criticizing women’s weight and appearance has become a normal activity – you may not realize the power of what you say to your daughter.

Be Your Daughter's Keeper.
Challenge your male friends and associates when they show disrespect for women, objectify them, or make sexist remarks. A little bit of this can go a long way to helping to create a better world for you daughter.

Promote respect for all shapes and sizes.
Weightism is rampant today. Take stock of your attitudes toward fat people. Become aware of your prejudices and work to change them.

Examine your own weight, eating, or body image issues.
Men are not immune to these concerns, as they are experiencing more and more pressure around appearance today. Make peace with your own body and treat it well.

Maintain a diet-free home.
Encourage enjoying food, moderate exercise and a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Rules about food only backfire and contribute to eating and weight problems.

Emphasize inner beauty.
Talk about what you value in people and in her. Help her to see that she is more than an image to you.

Become more media-literate.
Discuss unrealistic images when you see them on billboards, TV or at the movies. Help her to identify and reject the distortions in visual media.

Rid your home and work environment of anything that promotes Body Wars or objectifies women.
Magazines like the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and pin-up calendars breed body dissatisfaction and self degradation. Many standard men’s magazines are full of demeaning images of women. Look around carefully and clean up your space.

Watch what she is exposed to on TV or the internet.
Set rules about both-endless solitary hours with either are not necessarily healthy.

Let her find and follow her passions.
Encourage her in academics, sports, and other activities, whether they are traditionally feminine or masculine.

Determine if her school has gender-equity and sexual harassment policies.
If they don’t, set up a task force. This will make her world safer.

Don’t let adolescence scare you away.
When she starts to develop sexually, stay close and involved, while respecting her need for more control and boundaries.

Encourage positive female role models.
Be sure she has caring women in her life who can help her learn about her body and sexuality as she moves through puberty, especially if her mother is not part of her life.

Raise better boys.
Spend time with sons and boys, sharing your values and helping them to become sensitive to women, instead of leaving them to a misogynistic culture.

Let her get to know you.
Share your life and interests with her. Be real and honest, and get out of the role of Superman. This will help her negotiate other relationships with male authority figures.

What Fathers Can and Can’t Do for Daughters with Eating Disorders

1. You can’t make her want to get better.
You can help her find a therapist and other treatment resources, provide economic support and fight for insurance coverage for her as this is frequently a problem. Let her know that you will be her advocate.

2. You can’t force her to explore underlying issues or to change.
You can set an example by being in therapy yourself or by participating in family therapy if it is recommended, talking openly about your feelings and demonstrating your willingness to identify and resolve problems.

3. You can’t understand how she feels about her body as you do not see what she sees when she looks in the mirror.
You can respect how deep and how painful this is for her and appreciate how men and women have such different body experiences in our culture. Raise your consciousness by reading and asking women about the pressures they feel regarding weight, eating and appearance.

4. You can’t make her love herself.
You can provide unconditional positive regard and a loving, supportive, and consistent relationship to her. Let her know you care and always will. Be patient with her and let her know you don’t expect her or her recovery to be perfect.

5. You can’t convince her to ignore pop culture and all its negative messages to girls about beauty, appearance, and weight.
You can help her to become media literate by pointing out how women’s bodies are treated in the media when you pass billboards on the highway or watch TV together. Use the Active Advertising Acknowledgement exercise in Body Wars: Making Peace with Women’s Bodies (p.83) to become more aware of how advertising affects you.

6. You can’t change her response to the cultural images and standards for beauty and thinness.
You can work to change the culture by becoming an activist. Read Body Wars for ideas about activism and join Dads and Daughters (www.dadsanddaughters.org) to become part of their advocacy network. They have developed a very effective e-mail system to identify ads or marketing campaigns contributing to negative self esteem in girls. Throw your weight around as a man and as a consumer. You can make a difference.

7. You can’t take away the dangers, risks and challenges she experiences as a female in this culture.
You can become a feminist man by supporting any and all efforts to achieve gender equity, end the too-frequent violence against women, and recognize the contributions women make to our world. This will enhance the status of women and help your daughter to feel stronger and safer as a woman. In addition to becoming part of DADS, join organizations like the National Organization for Men Against Sexism (www.nomas.org) and use your influence as a man to make the world safer for girls and women.

8. You can’t take away the feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment she has about having an eating disorder.
You can, by learning about eating disorders and the many things that contribute to them, help her to accept that her condition is truly an illness. As with any illness, the individual is not to blame and recovery is a process that takes time.

9. You can’t solve her problems.
You can convey that you believe in her and know that she will find the answer she needs. Or, in the words of my dear friend and colleague, Joe Kelly of Dads and Daughters: “Don’t just do something, stand there.” That can be hard for fathers, but, more than anything else, she needs you to do just that.

10. You can’t speak for her.
You can listen to her. She will feel respected and confident if you do. Her positive feelings will generalize beyond your relationship; after all, whether you believe it or not, you are the most important man in her life. Listening is the greatest gift a father can give his daughter. Do your best – the pay-offs will be enormous.