While I was in treatment we were asked to write a letter to
our fears. At the time I was close to the end of my stay
and found it very freeing to say goodbye to these issues.
Now, at home I find I still struggle from time to time with
my eating disordered thoughts but find resolve in my commitment
to recovery when I read those words that poured out of me
that afternoon.
To my fears
You have controlled me for years. I hate you for that.
You have consumed me. You have hurt me. You have kept me
from the things that I love. You made me depend on you and
for that you will never be forgiven. My life deserves fullness
and when I would begin to fill my cup you would suck it dry
a moment later. You have kept me from growth. You have kept
me from life and becoming the woman that I long to be. You
have stopped me from ever feeling beautiful and reduced me
to an object with which men find selfish gratification. You
have told me I’m not enough and offered me nothing
but false hope in my feeble attempts to find something more.
You shrouded me in guilt and beat me with my own self-loathing.
You made me feel as though there is nothing here for me,
that I didn’t matter and that no one would care if
I were not to exist. You chiseled away at my dimensions and
made me into an unreality that is not possible. You have
stolen so much; you have put me through hell and then deflected
the blame. You tortured me with all I wanted and made it
normal for me. My life was a constant state of decay; a stinking,
rotting mess. With my curiosity depleted I could trust nothing,
no one but you. I couldn’t even trust the facets of
myself that make me what I truly am; my intuition, my wonder
for the world, my convictions, and my love. You kept me so
lonely, isolated and shallow. My definition of myself was
so narrow deviations were relentless and continual. I had
to disconnect from myself to survive your bullying.
I want you to know it ends here. I will fight you with
ever breath in my body; my perfectly imperfect body. I will
not allow you to hold me against my will any longer. I will
be the one who decides what I deserve, what makes me happy
and what should be approached cautiously. I will not allow
you to dictate my every move, thought and feeling. I want
great things for myself and I will not listen when you say
that I can’t do it. I will persevere to spite you.
You are nothing to me. I will not give you power anymore.
You have had the reins and steered me off course for as long
as I can remember. I trusted you and you’ve lead me
so astray. Down hill is the path of least resistance and
I will not take the simple way of the victim. You will not
confine me, my life or my physical body. It ends here.
