discussing flushed

L: Hi Samantha. Well. I've been turning around the name "Flushed" in my head since our first meeting. I'm wondering how you decided on that name? I have a few ideas which may or may not be along the right lines.

1. Of course is the literal meaning of the word. Flushed- the function of a toilet- certainly not unfamiliar to anyone who has experienced bulimia. That's pretty obvious.

2. On a more metaphorical level I think of two things. Firstly, the expression of 'flushing your life away!.... But more so, I think of the flushed face of a runner during and after a race.

In truth, it is the image of the runner that is strongest for me. Certainly all human beings feel they are running their own unique/idiosyncratic "races". Jobs, family, personal well-being, etc.

It's the nature (for better or worse) of existence in today's society. But I think there is an even more poignant resonance of this "race" for those who struggle with eating disorders- related habits/addictions. It is indeed a futile race for some hazy and ever changing goal. This unrealistic race for perfection always just out of each. A gerbil wheel with no brakes> We're flushed.

S: "An image of a runner whose face is flushed during and after a race. All of us feel like we're running our own unique/idiosyncratic races, with jobs, family, personal well being; it's the nature of existence in today's society. The futile race for some hazy and ever changing goal. An unrealistic race for perfection always just out of reach."

I pulled some quotes out of your letter so I could get another chance to really look at them, and I think Lily, you're going to help me out a lot (simply by example) during the making of the second issue with my own personal life. You know what? It's been three years into recovery for me, and I still haven't given myself the opportunity to experience ED from an educated standpoint! It's the toughest thing I'm going to ever have to do, and that feeling of expectancy that comes with educating/healing, along with the realization that I wasn't ready to truly move on from this place I was in, made me think of the term Flushed.

In all honesty, for the title of the 'zine._____ I knew all that I had was gone, and my spark for a future, yet I still wanted to work on a project that was risky and honest, "Flushed" as a candidate title was for me textured and powerful. I just kept thinking about how altering and beautiful the word was, how honest, exposing and forgiving it was as well…..

Lily, now that I have the opportunity, I was wondering if you had the opportunity to check out the pro-ana sites online and if you want to discuss them……

L: "I knew that all I had was gone, and my spark for a future, yet I still wanted to work on a project that was risky and honest."

I can't tell you how much I relate to what you said above. After a number of my "formative" years being spent submerged in a constricted and false sense of reality, it is of the utmost importance tome that I experience life for what is it- constant change, raw, honest, beautiful warts and all. It's funny how, no matter how hard 'we' try and suppress it, life seeks variety and community. The years in which I was most strongly in the grips of ED-related problems, I found that I had become an automaton- and cut off from the world in more ways than one. I didn't like this strange 'state' I'd achieved but felt so hopeless and powerless to get out of it. Break free and live life again.

This brings me to the thing that most amazes me about the pro-ana sites you mentioned in your previous letter. The sense that somewhere inside these women/men have a spark that causes them to seek others in their 'community'. In many ways it goes against the competitive and alienating nature of these illnesses, and of course, it also plays to/feeds them (no pun intended).

I really do not know that I want to look at one. I can imagine the sickening despair that must bleed off of such sites.

I have been there before, the darkest I have ever been. And it was so hard to break out from feeling less than nothing, to achieving even a micro-particle of hope. If you would like to devote these sites and our experiences of them I would be fine with that for the next letter.