I only just discovered this website this morning. It must have struck
a chord because I have spent the best part of the morning wondering
if I have something worth contributing or not. Am I someone who has
recovered fully from an eating disorder? Well, no. Can I share with
you a guaranteed way to get to the point of where you would say you
have recovered? No. Well what am I going to contribute then? That
has been my dilemma for the past hour. The truth is that I am a work
in progress and generally speaking people are far more interested
in waiting until the project is at the point of being unveiled and
exhibited before they consider it. But you know what? I am a firm
believer in appreciating the process and the journey along the way
just as much as the final product or destination.
My story doesn't have a definite beginning or a
definite end. Yes I have been anorexic. It was around the
age of 15 when my mum took me to the doctor requesting
various blood tests because I had lost quite a lot of weight.
I had been actively involved in athletics, my dad had installed
himself as my coach and my mum came everywhere with us
for my training and competitions, which inevitably took
up the whole of my weekend and after school hours. I lost
touch with my friends and alienated my sister. In the end
I got jack of it and announced suddenly to my parents that
I was quitting. I wont go into all the details of what
happened exactly. I'm sure it would be a familiar
story to many of you. Suffice it to say, I felt suffocated
and isolated and the example I had grown up with was one
of retreating when things got hard and seeking strength
within. I secretly became very proud of how self controlled
I could be, something that has stuck with me for the next
20 years. But anyway, of more interest I think is the direction
my journey has taken since then and the way the work is
shaping up.
Things got better for me within a year or so of giving
up athletics. I had more time for friends and a proper
social life, albeit is mostly with people who like me didn't
feel that they really fit in. We were in what was often
referred to as the "nerdy" group. In any case
I was a new person. I put on weight and was praised for
it, but I was still actually quite shy and very sensitive,
due to frequent teasing from the "not so nerdy" group.
When I heard people a couple of years later comment on
how much bigger I had become, I panicked and launched my
own full scale covert mission to show these people that
I was stronger than they realized. This phase was to last
several years by the end of which I was feeling happier
with my size, living alone, was university educated and
had a great job. I had also met the person who was to become
my husband. He made me feel very special and loved, yet
my insecurity was obviously so great that I couldn't
imagine that he would possibly stay around if he knew what
size I had been not so long before he met me. I went to
great lengths to hide old photos and was carefully upgrading
my special exercise regime on a weekly basis... something
I had felt able to do since moving out from under the roof
of the family home. The new upgraded regime would stick
with me for years to come. When we married I was at a weight
that I was very happy with and I would have happily stayed
at that weight but I was so worried that if I changed anything
I would blow up like an airbag. At the same time I was
enjoying cooking new meals for my new husband and enjoying
romantic dinners together, so the exercise increased to
compensate. A lot of our friends who had married shortly
before us started having kids around this time too. I had
never felt particularly maternal and neither had my husband
so that shouldn't have been an issue but it brought
up in me such an incredible feeling of not fitting in.
It had always been there but became much more evident at
that time. I guess that was the main reason why I took
on extra study: a Master's program. It wasn't
so much for the enjoyment as for the incredible desire
to succeed that was inside of me. Of course I poured everything
into it and even achieved a position lecturing at the university
where I was studying. Everything in my life became highly
regimented and scheduled so that I could always fit in
my exercise program. That seemed to work really well for
6 years or so and then one day we moved overseas with his
job. It was a stressful time not only because we left our
home country and family, but also because we ended up in
a non-English speaking environment. Vienna, Austria was
to become our new home for nearly 2 years, followed by
Prague, Czech Republic where we have been now for just
over 2 years. I wouldn't say that it's been
a turning point for me so much as a huge shove from behind.
After going through complete culture shock I met a whole
new group of people who I would never have met otherwise.
We had the common thread of being "displaced persons" but
otherwise were from all walks of life. They became my family
away from home and gave me so much confidence in myself.
All of a sudden we had a network of friends to do things
with on the weekend and to support each other through difficulties
of living in a strange place. I was still exercising but
had toned it down a notch or 2.
It wasn't long before I had a long break from it
because I injured my knee jogging and after an awful visit
to a Czech hospital they found that I have cracked cartilage
behind my knee and it may never get better. That really
forced me to face facts and it coincided with our move
to Prague. Here I have found it a lot harder to meet people
who I can really connect with. Mostly the English speakers
I meet are older or have young kids. That really bothered
me for a while but surprisingly it hasn't resulted
in a relapse. I have had a lot more time to take up activities
for fun that I never allowed myself to indulge in before
when I was aiming to be a super charged career girl. Now
my days are filled with French lessons, painting, art classes
(including life drawing of models of all shapes and sizes)
and walking our golden retriever who we have acquired along
the way. I am learning constantly about other cultures
and what they value as important. Life is so much more
than my body shape!! I have enough confidence now to tell
people if I don't necessarily agree with them. That's
huge for me because previously I would have agreed with
anything just to get them to like me.
I still struggle daily with thoughts about my weight
and still annoy my husband with questions about it, but
I feel that I have definitely made progress in the last
4 years. Why? Well I'm no psychologist and who knows
if I ever visited one (still couldn't tell you who
that specialist was) but I think moving to a new environment
and seeing that it's OK to be different has helped
me enormously. I am proud of the fact that I have survived
in a foreign place, I am far happier pursuing creative
things that I must have always loved but suppressed in
favor of career progression and success for years and I
can see that I will be OK even if I gain weight. I'm
not at the point of embracing that yet, but at least I
can see it.
Well I've no idea if that will encourage or confuse,
bore or excite anyone else out there who has had issues
like this to face daily, but I hope it will help. Now I
have to decide whether to make this anonymous, initial
it or go the whole hog with a name. That's taken
another hour of my day and I've decided after 2 cups
of coffee that I will go with the name because I am proud
to be a work in progress in a unique style.
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